in-2-me-u-c* - 3 Fundamentals of Co-counseling Manual
NO SOCIALIZING *
Co-counseling students and co-counselors are requested and expected to refrain from establishing any relationship, except that of co-counselor, with the students and clients whom they meet in Re-evaluation Counseling.
It is an inherent requirement of Re-evaluation Counseling that students and clients shall refrain from setting up other relationships than that of co-counseling with students and clients whom they meet in Reevaluation Counseling.
Attempts to establish any other relationship — social, romantic, etc. — will not only be in violation of one’s responsibility, but will also be unsuccessful and certain in the very nature of the situation to lead to difficulties.
Successful co-counseling is quite likely to make one (or both) of the counselors feel that they have at last discovered the ideal person to have a friendship with, a social relationship. It can even happen that the co-counselor will appear as the long-sought “girl (or boy) of my dreams.” Such feelings will occur and no amount of discussion will prevent them. The fact is, such feelings can be a very positive occurrence BUT they do not have to be acted upon, )1O1 should they be. The co-counselor or fellow student is to remain and be treated as a co-counselor or fellow student, no matter how the student “feels’’ about them. To do otherwise will simply not work.
The reason for this is that an unaware assumption is always made that the subject of one’s socializing, dating, or romantic attitude will basically remain a counselor to one and remain responsible for one in this new relationship. This will be impossible for him or her, of course, if they respond in a socializing or romantic way.
Essentially, the person who does this is seeking a way to escape the discomfort of discharging and getting rid of the reactive material which has prevented them from making friends by substituting a cocounselor for the friends they need to make in the outside world. They are avoiding solving their difficulties that are interfering with successful loving relationships by casting the co-counselor in the role of a beloved who will also remain (they unawarely assume) perfectly permissive even to distresses.
These feelings will not work if acted upon outside of cocounseling. The student client may, in a session, tell their co-counselor repeatedly “you are my friend,” “I have a friend,” “you feel friendly to me,” and discharge greatly and make fine progress. If they carry this outside the counseling session and bundles up themselves or family and goes to pay a social call upon their co-counselor, they will soon find that their patterns have fouled up the friendly relationship lie intended to have, and spoiled the co-counseling relationship as well.
If student co-counselors attempt to date or to be romantic, they will very soon have a mess on their hands and their co-counseling relationship will be ruined. If they hold their feelings to the cocounseling session and verbalize the ‘I love you’s’’ repeatedly there, it can well bring hours of shaking, tears, laughter and other good results. The end result will be that the client will like their counselor but will be free from any dependent or romantic attachment.
It is always difficult for elementary students who feel the pull of these escapes to conceive that the rule is realistic. Perhaps it is sufficient to say that several score people have by now violated this rule, following their feelings rather than logical responsibility, and not one good social or romantic relationship has come out of it. A few have even been lost to co-counseling progress over this. Most, of course, have spotted the bad results and drawn back to follow workable procedures.
This is an inherent requirement for successful participation in a co-counseling class or group that the co-counselor remains just that--a co-counselor.
There are people who come to Re-evaluation Counseling with other relationships already established — married couples, engaged couples, friends, lovers. These already-established relationships can, of course, be maintained and, in general, will be improved with the addition of a co-counseling relationship. It is where the acquaintance is first made in the counseling atmosphere that this rule applies.
Ongoing Correspondence Regarding the Subject
From Present Time, #130, Jan. 2003
When feelings get attached to Co-Counselors, it’s often
Difficult to remember that old distresses have been restimulated . It is particularly difficult when the feelings are not the negative ones we’re used to living with but are instead feelings of fascination and longing.
Most of us have run into such difficulties. Sometimes we’ve been able to discharge, with others, through these confusing times. Other times we may not have been able to tell anyone about our struggle.
We need to be able to help people discharge through such distresses, not just hold up the “no-socializing” policy and tell them (loudly) to stop believing the feelings.
B— had called Diane Shisk3 and other reference people for some counseling and thinking about her relations/up with Co-Counselor A—. The relationship had begun as a Co-Counseling relationship, grown into a mutual “crisis and come to be a very involved relationship. Both A— and B—are smart, experienced Co-Counselors who have p/al/ed good roles in the RC Community for a long time. Experience doesn’t protect anyone from having this kind o~ i1i~-tress come up, but it does give one a better base For discharging it rather than being misled by it. A— and B— had gotten thoroughly enmeshed in feeling that each was the answer to the other’s longings. However, before leaving everything behind to go off together, they decided to ‘make use of their knowledge of RC, and the experienced co-counselors they knew.
Diane counseled the two of them, advised them to suspend part of their relationship while they discharged. helped them think about local Co-Counselors with whom thou could openly work on the relationship, and suggested
Dear All,
Thank you for your thinking about A— and me. The attitude you’ve held toward us has been a huge contradiction and very heartening. Thank you for giving us room to work this out and clean up the material6 that set it up.
I want to confirm that the following are what we all agreed to:
• In relation to ongoing phone contact between A— and me, instead of setting a limit on how much contact we have, we’ll work out the amount of contact that allows us to (a) keep using the contradiction of the relationship for discharge, and (b) not get caught in confusion.
• As a safety check, we’ll report back to you on a monthly basis about the contact. A— and I will continue to accept referencing and, if necessary, correction from you.
• We will check with you about any face-to-face contact to ensure that it is workable. There have been discussions about us both attending a workshop.
Tim, you described the pull of wanting more with each other in a way I found quite useful. I wonder if you remember what you said.
Later:
A— and I decided we would not have contact with each other for two weeks after our Intensive7 in Seattle—in part to keep things open and in part to give us room to set up our lives, and work out how to deal with the times we’d normally be calling each other. Apart from e-mailing each other that we arrived back safe and sound, we’ve so far kept to that plan.
I think that’s all for now.
B
COUNSELING PRACTICE
August 12, 2002
Hi Tim,
I want to thank you for being with us at the workshop. The time you gave to B— and me was precious.
A brief update on the situation: Our intensives were extremely good. There was space to show a lot. We decided to speak only twice on the phone in the first month after returning home. We have kept to this, although it’s often felt excruciatingly hard. There’s a fine balance between not trying to fill the frozen longings and simply going away from each other. We are figuring it out. I’ve been having sessions almost daily since my return, and discharging is still going well. My life seems hopeful (mostly!).
Dear B—,
Thanks for writing. I believe Diane got back to you on all your points. I hope it’s going well. I had a note from A— that sounded good. What I said in our meeting was that the distresses on each of you have left a frozen desperation that tries for contact in a way that seems to quiet the distresses but doesn’t allow you the real contact that people want with each other, nor enough contact to fully contradict the distresses and let them discharge. The pull of this “reactive reassurance” interferes with you actually getting closer to each other and having each other more fully. You get to fight for this closeness, which is what you both really want.
I hope this is clear enough to be useful. I am sure you can win this struggle. It was good having contact with you.
A— August 21, 2002
Dear A—,
August 22, 2002
Thanks for your note. I’m glad things are going well and that you can use the situation to keep things moving.
Hi All,
Tim
August 29, 2002
B— has been encouraging me to be the first this time to contact you and let you know how things are going with us. This isn’t an easy e-mail to write, as 1 actually am not sure how things are going. At first I was getting a lot of sessions and discharging well. Over the past two weeks this has slowed down— partly because my regular Co-Counselors have been away and partly because my momentum and clarity have waned.
Initially, after returning from Seattle, B— and I decided to have little contact for the first few weeks, which we stuck to, though it was hard. Since then we’ve agreed to weekly phone contact, which we’ve basically stuck to, apart from a couple of unscheduled calls initiated by each of us when we hit a hard poini and felt stuck.
We continue to discharge well with each other. W also spend time talking about our lives and “hangin~ out”8 a bit on the phone. Intermittently, one or th~ other of us will feel like we’re getting “lost” in th longing and wanting to be with each other. Currently we are both a bit lost simultaneously, which is proving to be tricky, and I won’t pretend that the pull t just give up RC and be together isn’t very powerful. I’m going to try and rally some resource for more regular and useful sessions over the next few weeks. This situation is not at all easy and is certainly a lot more persistent than I’d ever imagined. My life is good, and I can tell that, but I can’t always tell that it doesn’t make sense for B— and me to be together.
In the rest of my life I seem able to have my attention reasonably well off my hopeless feelings, and I’ acting more powerfully and decisively. I’m enjoying my job again after a long period of hating it and wanting to leave. The real connection between B— and n is a good contradiction to many distresses and gives me a good sense of what is possible.
That’s a general overview of where I think I am. I’d be grateful for any assistance. Even though I’m continuing to discharge, I also feel like I can easily slide down a slippery slope into being confused again.
A— August 30, 2002
Dear folks,
I think A— has sent you details about our contact in the last while. Here is how it’s been from my end.
I’m having about four to six face-to-face sessions a week, and most days at least a short phone session.
Discharge is not in short supply! That’s good. To be honest, though, I have to say that for me the discharge of the longing and wanting seems to come fully only if somewhere in my mind I think it’s possible that we’ll decide to be with each other. I seem to go in cycles of wanting to make the decision to be with A— to then being quite okay about the state of my life. I can’t say I’m yet at the place of knowing that it’s best to not go off and be with each other—just that it would be livable to settle for my life here. I wonder what will happen if we’re both, at the same time, in the end of the cycle where we want to be with each other. Honestly, there are many times when I so much want to give it a shot.9
Tim, sometimes I think I get1° what you were saving about us trying for “contact in a way that seems to quiet the distresses but doesn’t allow us the real contact that people want with each other, nor enough contact to contradict the distresses and let them discharge.” Then, truthfully, there are times when I don’t get it at all—or at least I can’t tell it’s a true statement of things between us.
Lately I’ve been wanting to reach for my own thinking in all of this. It seems I can’t quite commit to all of your directions until I can have them in my mind as my own thinking. Resentfully accepting an outside direction doesn’t seem workable in the long term. I’ll keep discharging to get to a place of my own thinking. I alternately wonder, worry, fear, and hope that this process will result in A— and me being with each other. Then, at other times, I think that in a while we’ll look back and know it was inevitable these feelings would come up and that we’d discharge through them to another place all together.
‘Give it a shot means give it a try.
‘° Get means understand.
I had a good four-day workshop. It was good to be surrounded by RC. I decided to be open with a few folks about what was going on—mostly so I could have more resource and not be held back in the ways I am with folks I’m close to. It was useful to see how much I could show with each of them, depending on where distresses about sex and closeness were or were not tight on them.
I’m not sure what impression I’m leaving you with here. To summarize, I’d say that I’m discharging well. I do have periods of being quite okay about how my life is going and other periods of just wanting to go be with A—. I still don’t know how it will all end up!
B— September 3, 2002
Dear A and B,
Thanks for writing and updating us on your struggle to build the relationship you both want. I do understand that it remains difficult and confusing, but I’m pleased that you have recognized the confusion. The longing for reactive, reassurance-like interaction is something we all struggle with in various forms, and I’m quite sure you both can beat it and get the relationship that will carry you both forward.
Tim
September 17, 2002
Dear Tim,
Thank you for your e-mail a couple of weeks ago. We appreciate your time in writing your thinking. However, we need to let you know that the situation with us is still not straightforward. We also have some questions.
We still haven’t firmly committed to giving up the possibility of “being with each other.” In recent times, we’ve been giving this considerable discussion (and discharge), to the point where we’re talking about seeing each other again soon. Getting to this point has not been easy, but it does seem to be the best thinking we can currently come up with.
We’re aware that this change to the agreements we made with you in July is not consistent with leading in RC. We are therefore thinking that if we proceed down this line any further, we should step down from leadership. (Given the place we are even now, perhaps we should step down.) We have some questions about how to handle things if we do proceed further and, if we proceed, what the implications would be in the short and long term.
(1) If we decide to see each other in the near future (and because of that, step down from leading) but at the end of that visit decide to fully commit to giving up this “thing,” would we be able to build a way back to taking leadership? (2) In the interests of minimizing the impact on the Community, if we decide to see each other soon, what, if anything, should be communicated to the RCers around us? (3) We know it’s a huge decision we are facing. It would include losing RC, losing the current home and work of one of us, and risking losing even each other. However, if after seeing each other we decide to continue down this line, we have three other questions: (a) What access to RC would we have— sessions, attendance at local support groups or workshops? (b) What would we, or someone, communicate to other RCers, and how, in order to minimize the impact? (c) If we proceed down this track and at some later stage decide not to continue and instead return to the commitment to give up this “thing,” would we be able to re-build our connection to the RC Community, and how?
At present we are each leading in the following ways (describes). This thing isn’t easy, and we do appreciate the huge amount of support and resource that has been given to us, and others, at this time. We are also sorry to be raising this to be handled but figure it is better to be open and direct with you. We both care deeply about the organization and many individuals within it and don’t want to do anything to harm that.
We await your response. It would be good if that could be soon, though we understand you are very busy.
A— and B—
September 26,
Dear A— and B—,
Thank you for writing. I appreciate the effo~ decision that’s required. I’m sorry this remains sr. struggle. I can assure you that following the temp course of action would not give you the relation you want and deserve but would only providc illusory comfort of quieting undischarged distrc~ would not provide you with the large and devc ing lives you want. I hope you both (who’s ~ the most trouble, and who’s going along in svr thy?) can get enough discharge to keep from ci: ing an erroneous policy.
It is quite possible for you to choose well in sp the longing, but it may be that the confusions arc ficient that you won’t. Your being unable to against these pulls would mean something signi: with regard to leadership in RC. Simply saying that you changed your minds (especially if it w ter you ran into difficulties) would not be reas~ to me that you had a clear enough picture of r and your distresses to resist the pull some time future. Once you show that you cannot handle distresses, you have changed the situation si cantly from one of simply having those distress~ being tempted by them. You would need to oughly clean up many things before you coult any sort of leadership in the Community.
Additionally, as you know, your actions wor stimulate and confuse many others in the RC munity.
If you choose this course, there is no easy handle it in the Community or to minimize pact. You should let the strong counselors aroui know about it so that they can counsel each oth you about it, but I don’t think the Community to have its attention drawn to it purposefully
I know you both care deeply about RC ar this struggle is wrapped around heavy distres you. I hope you can figure out how to keep h against the pull. What would you advise othe found themselves in this position?
Hi Tim,
Thanks for your thoughtful reply. Yes, we c have been trying to put as much thoughtand discharge into this as possible.
I have now come to the decision that B— and I ~hcu1d not continue on the path toward being with each other. This is obviously a hard decision for both us (you are right—lots of our hardest and earliest distresses are tied up here), but it does seem like the ‘nlv option I can live with.
We are still having frequent contact by phone and are managing to discharge well. We are also figuring out what contact will make sense in the next period. It wouldn’t be good to cut off from each other for a long time and shut down our feelings. I am managing to keep up frequent and generally useful sessions with others, though the pull to simply “get on with my life” is huge.
That’s all there is to report. I hope that by having made this choice rather than the other we will both be able to shift this early, sticky material so that our lives are bigger and we become more powerful as a result. We shall see.
A—
Hi Tim,
September 30, 2002
Thank you for your thoughtful reply and the degree of caring in its tone. I do appreciate that a lot.
If I look back on how A— and I got to the point of our recent decision, I think it had to do with noticing that we weren’t quite able to move on in our lives while still leaving open the hope and possibility of being with each other. We had one more series of discussions about actually being with each other, to the point of considering it vent seriously, and it seems that going that far, and writing to you, pushed at least one of us to realize that it wasn’t a smart course of action. Even before receiving your reply, at least one of us was ready to resist the pull and go for the discharge.
I have to confess to being the one with the stronger pull and that it was A— who finally said that it just wasn’t a smart thing to do. I’d gotten completely lost in the hope and dream of possibly being with A—. So much about A— feels like, and is, a huge contradiction to my early isolation, and not being able to be together has again stirred up a mountain of those isolated feelings.
I liked your phrase about quieting the distress. I wonder how many of us live our lives in such a way that we quiet many of our distresses.
I have a question about the particular task A— and I now have before us:
We have talked about how, now that we’ve set up these feelings to be discharged, we need to make sure that (1) we discharge fully (I don’t want to be in this place again), (2) I don’t leave A— with her distress still in place, and (3) the depth of our connection continues and we build the large lives we want.
How do we ensure that those three things happen without the second two at the same time being a way to quiet the distresses and avoid facing the hard feelings? It seems possible that we could hold on to something with each other so as not to feel the old loss or get so busy building our lives that we don’t fully discharge this material.
Can we do the heavy, hard work without having our day-to-day lives completely swamped?
It seems like I’ve been in this place many times before: losing a relationship. I wasn’t short on discharge at those times. However, it’s heartbreaking to feel like the hurt is still all there as much as it ever was. Just this week, the hard edge to it feels almost unbearable. I want to make sure that this time around it gets cleaned up. Is it just a matter of zillions11 of hours of discharge, or is there something else I need to be doing? This is an actual question. I would like some assistance at this point, because hopeless feelings about actually shifting this contributed to my letting the pull to be with A— take hold.
I also want to tell you something about how incidents related to leading, expectations of the Community, and interactions with leaders have left me with restimulated early distress that has clouded my passion for RC for quite a while and therefore made it possible to consider walking away. (Thank God, A— doesn’t have those same series of incidents!) I’m not trying to blame anyone or anything here, but I am trying to be open with you about the range of struggles that got me to this place.
One final thing—over the years I’ve seen a number of people caught in this place, and what I’ve seen doesn’t give me a lot of hope that it’s possible to (a) discharge the material so that it doesn’t affect my life anymore, (b) keep, and continue to deepen, A—’s and my relationship, and (c) really build and have the larger lives we want. Sometimes I’ve seen one of those three things happen, but seldom all three, Is something doomed for us, or is it possible to have all three— and if so, how? (Tim, even I can see the weight of hopelessness in my question, but it’s still a serious question to you.)
Once again, thank you for your kind, generous, thoughtful response. I appreciate it a lot.
Hi Tim and Diane,
*****
B— October 11, 2002
I’m not sure if you received my last e-mail. The questions I raised are still on my mind.
I appreciate that you are busy but wondered if you were intending to reply to those questions.
Dear B—,
October 11, 2002
Yes, I did get your e-mail. I think it came while I was in the Netherlands. I am close to answering it and may get it done today, but I want to make it a go full, useful answer, so it might take me until Mond
Thank you for writing and for being so open ab~ yourself and the situation. There will be a way to forward from here and make good progress on distresses that pushed you into this corner.
Dear B— and A—,
October 17, 21
Thank you for holding yourselves and each ot to the reality of the situation and continuing to th about what makes sense for you. I am proud ~ pleased with both of you. This is an important strug and your successes in it make a big difference.
It’s important that you plan ways to keep disch~ ing on all of the distresses that tie in here and not s ply turn away and go on. You are not to give up getting free from this material, nor on continuin~ deepen your connection with each other, nor on panding your lives as far as you wish. In spite of the (as yet) undischarged feelings, you have alre faced and won a major battle with distress.
Another important step you get to take is to dec on your perspective. You get to do this no matter w feelings come up. You get to enjoy life fully, ne believing any of the negative things your distresses r say about you or your life. You get to decide that you good, capable, intelligent, and not in a desperate si~ tion, even when old feelings of danger and desperat arise. You get to decide to consider such feelings s ply as indications of past difficult circumstances a at the same time, appreciate the reality of the pres the lives you have built, and the immense possil ties in front of you. Discharging on the distresses volved will move things, but without setting y perspective (and arranging to get as many reminc as needed), things are likely to become foggy.
You are not to turn away from each other. This is not a defeat in any way and not something from which you must retreat into loneliness and isolation. You get to discharge everything that says you must turn away from each other and give up on having a full human relationship. You get to support each other in making this happen. You get to cheer each other on as you struggle through your distresses, and build bigger lives, and give each other fuller pictures of yourselves.
you, Tim, for this lovely and thoughtful reply. I will print it and take it to sessions. I am sure it will work as a reminder to contradict the distresses that so loudly bang for attention.
Thanks again.
B— October 24, 2002
Hi Tim,
Thank you so much for your good reply. I particularly appreciate your holding out that we not turn away from each other and instead push for a full, deep human relationship (so what is that to look like exactly?). I appreciate that you know and don’t underestimate the depth of hurt around maintaining deep connection and caring. I appreciate that you continue to hold out to the Communities getting that connection back fully. I also much appreciate the lack of judgment and punitiveness in your tone. That is helpful to me. It seems not everyone has your tone.
I have taken your point about choosing perspective, though I can’t say it’s a well-developed skill with me yet. I guess if it were easy to do, I wouldn’t be where I am now. However, I have practiced it this week: I wrote an e-mail to B— in which I told two completely different stories of one day. Interesting. I think choosing a brighter perspective is one of my bigger struggles.
I have waited to reply to you until I found a brighter perspective and was not quite as miserable. I’ve had several big successes in my life in the past weeks. However, having said that, the painful feelings have continued to be hard indeed—even more than I guessed they would. If this is a picture of my early life—well, God help me! It’s a hard, hard thing. Even though I have started all sorts of hobbies and sports and interest classes, and am trying to meet new people throughout the week, as soon as I’m on my own for a moment, the loneliness almost wipes me out.12 Then a few additional work and family problems come in, and it seems even more impossible to get through all of this in one piece—well, at the bleakest moments, that is. But I keep going because even though hopelessness runs high, I guess there is still some bit of hope left.
Well, Tim, thanks for caring deeply. I am glad you are around.
A— October 28, 2002
Dear A-
It’s good, as always, to hear from you. I like the way you think yourself through periods of restimulation, knowing which times are better to undertake which tasks. I am glad you have good work, and opportunities to do good things in the real world that help keep good perspectives believable.
The recorded feelings of hardship and desperation can be startling, and it’s understandable we get confused by them. On the other hand, look at what we managed to survive! If we got through that, what can’t we get through, including the distress recordings that still cling from those times?
I have every confidence in you.
Tim
* * * Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distance exists, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them. - Rainer Maria Rilke (translated by Stephen Mitchell)
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